“You Can’t Be Autistic”

I think you mean when you tell me this: “I can’t believe you are autistic because you seem so normal. You don’t act anything like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. You don’t rock back and forth or memorize meaningless statistics or mumble to yourself in public. You are smart, and articulate, and charming, and I really like you.” You are trying to give me a sincere compliment, and I am grateful for that.

But let me tell you how it sounds to me. When I tell you about my diagnosis and you say, “you can’t be autistic,” what I hear is: “You can’t be autistic because autistic people are disgusting and embarrassing. You can’t be autistic because I do not want to be around autistic people. You can’t be autistic because, in my mind, autism is a debilitating disease that makes people unfit for friendship or companionship. You can’t be autistic because autistic people aren’t human and you are clearly human.”

This has become one of my passions/quests for the last five years since my own diagnosis, to help neurotypical, non-autistic, allistic people see the deep humanity in autists like me. Not pity, you see. I don’t want you to feel sorry for the parents of autistic children who will never grow up to be “normal.” I don’t want you to feel sorry for all the “normal” parts of life that I will never enjoy: loud concerts with thousands of people, shopping near a perfume counter at the mall, wedding planning with…